The awful, awful scum single ladies have to deal with in this city

Honey In Yr Brain just returned from a considerable hiatus with a killer breakdown of the problem with heterosexual romance in San Francisco:

Do you understand the LIMITATIONS women have in this city? It’s sort of crazy…..for every one attractive guy who actually has 60%+ of his shit together there are a thousand really great ladies with good style who have %70+ of their shit together. It’s not fair here in my age bracket…so many of us women have to settle for some dude who is just AND I QUOTE (from more than one dude) “hanging out”. aren’t going to school? No. You aren’t working? No….I’m on unemployment. For how long have you been on unemployment for? A year….WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO HERE? I tag sometimes…hang out at the park. WOT? Ugh it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about the awful, awful scum single ladies have to deal with in this city.

Read on.

[Photo by LLL]

248 thoughts on “The awful, awful scum single ladies have to deal with in this city”

  1. Probably because the “attractive” part tends to always outweigh the “has their shit together” part.

    Lower your standards, ladies.

      1. Try okcupid. I’m on there, maintain and operate 3 media companies – am 26, blonde and a good looking guy and I can’t seem to convey to women that I can possibly be straight or interested in them. I’m hung too, what a waste.

        – Mike Morelli

  2. As an employed, stable, sane, creative, intelligent, perpetually single male in San Francisco, I can only say RIGHT ON SISTER YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!!!!die!!!

    1. Hahahaha, I love it. You got it dude. Girls in SF are the single most picky group of women I could ever imagine.

      Do women complain about every city being the same way? I imagine they do.

      1. I am not saying you guys don’t exist here but usually when you do you are either a.) taken b.) half gay c.) not in my age bracket. d.) oblivious. THANK YOU COME AGAIN.

      2. Maybe there’s a disconnect between the kind of guys you want and the kind of guys you attract, and that’s on YOU to change to rectify that.

      3. Bi guys need love too. The only problem should be if they’re half gay and don’t admit it and haven’t dealt with all that shit. That’s a problem. Otherwise, you’re just being kind of mean and probably dismissing guys who might be great for a kind of outdated notion of straight and gay. And if that’s what you’re doing, you probably deserve to be single.

      4. Go for the half-gay. Been going strong with my man-boy-thing for a year now. Same bitch face as you, so they get it.

        Also guarantee on no slimy mustache or other body hair and impeccable hygiene.

      5. I’m 25, successful, smart, very athletic, good looking (?), with a french accent, and yet single.
        Seems to me that girls here are indeed extremely picky!

        Looks like the best way to get a date here is to walk around with a cute little dog, sad.

      6. Thanks “dude”. Let’s also consider the hard fact that single straight men OUTNUMBER SINGLE STRAIGHT WOMEN IN SAN FRANCISCO.

        I clearly don’t meet the “attractive” criteria that “Honey” throws in among her made-up bullshit numbers. Fine. Ladies, keep pricing yourselves out of the market and getting exactly what you deserve.

      7. I am not shallow. Attractiveness is not measured according to physical appearance alone but more of how well you carry yourself and if you can hold your own and if you have a clue about style etc. I’m not trying to date a fucking square here just cause he has his shit together. SORRY BUT I LIKE FUN GOOD LOOKING TIMES TOO.

        Also my age bracket is like 21-25.

        And duh these are bullshit numbers. Honey In Yr Brain is a tween blog…as if I actually do my research. Real research isn’t funny. I don’t want to know that there are actual straight men out there with actual jobs who actually want to date. I’m trying to make single ladies of the city feel better about the fact that there is scum everywhere not worse because we all hang out in the mission and not north beach.

      8. Hell I’m nearly 30 and a good portion of my friends are what you describe. That said, many are also very successful and well along in their careers in design, tech, etc. Meeting guys in bars is almost always a bust – often if they are “decent” the fact that they are in a bar will allow them to switch gears.

        Personally I like to meet girls while riding bikes. Get on a bike, find a cute guy and chat him up.

      9. Oh also, that’s *REALLY* young. If you’re 21-25 and you already have a “serious” career and aren’t just enjoying your youth, you’re doing it wrong.

      10. Shoot, I was thinking the 28-35 bracket. In thus case, I agree with @GG: live it up, enjoy. I don’t think “hanging out” makes you scum. You’re forgetting to have fun, maybe?

      11. Well that’s the problem right there. You’re dating boys. Men have jobs and their shit together.

      12. Henry, “design” and “tech” are not interesting jobs. In fact, people in design and tech can go fuck themselves (so I guess their problem is solved, eh?)

      13. LOL, you want someone stylish AND not “half gay”. Come on. Don’t blame others for what’s wrong with you.

      14. 21-25? That’s barely out of college. Sounds like you want someone who’s earning a salary at that age — the only people you’re going to find are aspie entrepreneur fucks. No wonder you’re dissatisfied.
        Find nice and good looking with “A” job, not a good one. No such thing as a good job when you’re under 25.
        Oh, and what do you do for a living?

      15. um, girlfriend, i hate to say it, but if you’re living in the city and looking for something serious, you’re either going to have to date out of your age range (like, way out – maybe 35 – 40) or move to the burbs. sorry, but no one really wants to grow up at that age around here. everyone is still into having a good time, and “hanging out” as you so aptly mentioned. you might be in the wrong place, or you might have to chill out and enjoy your youth.

      16. “I am not shallow.”

        Yes. you. are. You refer to those who’ve lost hope of finding work as being “scum” – that’s as shallow as shallow gets.

      17. Hah actually Trojan did a study on the ermmm sexaul activeness of different US cities. San Franciscans have the most sex, with the most partners and also are the least satisfied with their sexual lives out of any US cities. hey I like my standards.

      18. “Do women complain about every city being the same way?”

        Not very many of them seem to be doing so in Chicago, and even fewer of them seem to be doing so in the rest of the Midwest. Maybe because hard times reached here before they reached the West coast, or maybe because, as a group, Midwesterners have tended to be fonder of the idea of living in the real world than Northern Californians ever were. Not that there aren’t some parts of Chicago that went Yuppie for a while (eg. Lincoln Park), but the craze didn’t last as long as it did in the Bay Area.

        Sooner or later, somebody who is living in the real world will notice that the allegedly golden combination of hard work and ability isn’t being rewarded as good Americans are expected to believe that it surely will be, that the well connected idiot children of the rich are being fasttracked ahead of everybody else, and that there is no sign of this unjust state of affairs changing any time soon. America is just as much a classbound society as any of the countries in Europe, if not more so, it’s just been a lot less honest about the matter.

    2. @GG – Right on. If I had my early 20s to live over again, I’d “hang out” too. Especially if I had unemployment.

      Believe me, you’ve got plenty of time to figure this stuff out.

  3. it’s a funny perception, because statistically there are actually a lot more straight single men in this city than straight single women. go to any bar or club in this city and it’s all dudes, it’s really ladies’ choice out there. New York is the opposite. but in any case, if you date douchebros, it’s probably because you are attracted to douchebros.

    and although you may want a man with a career, you don’t want a career-oriented man. trust me.

    1. actually today the Examiner reported that there are actually fewer single men than single women in San Francisco, at least in the 30-34 age bracket:

      Damn Census data. Not good news for my age group!

      I’ve never had trouble meeting gainfully employed men, so that doesn’t seem like an issue in SF to me. Now, meeting someone who wants a committed relationship is a whole another story.

    2. “go to any bar or club in this city and it’s all dudes, it’s really ladies’ choice out there.”

      See, that’s a problem, right there. You’re looking in the wrong places. Clubs and bars have been horrible places to look for women, since time began.

      I assume that there is something that you’re interested in, other than music and getting drunk. Explore some of those interests a little more deeply, meet people through them, and you might do a little better.

      1. “Explore some of those interests a little more deeply, meet people through them, and you might do a little better.”

        Oh – and move out of San Francisco, unless you like the idea of being an ATM with feet. Do you want a girlfriend who is dating you, or one who is dating your wallet?

        If you’re looking for the former, just read the comments and listen to the people around you. You have little chance of finding that in Frisco. If you’re looking for the latter, then look into the adult services section of your local free weekly, and have fun, if you can call it that.

      2. Why would any of us be looking in a small city in Texas?

      3. It might surprise you to learn that there are cities other than San Francisco, Herr Doktor, and states other than California and Texas. But then, I’m feeding the trolls, am I not?

      4. Sure, there are cities besides San Francisco, but that wasn’t my point. I was just wondering why you were offering a non-sequitur by talking about what people would find in a small city in Texas.

      5. I used that shortening of your city’s name, deliberately, as an expression of pure, well deserved contempt. One need only look at this article to see why.

  4. i’ve always read about these dating issues women seem to have in the city..and yes we may be outnumbered..but set your standards for what you want and dont settle for less! it has been working for me! also i live in the marina.

    1. Ha! This has got to be a troll. As Allie said, Marina = World Nexus of Douchebags

  5. If you’re looking for bros at the park or at a bar, that’s probably where they spend most of their time. And at the same time, this is the center of the world for young, highly intelligent, creative young men. They probably don’t drink at pops, and perhaps they live in Palo Alto or San Jose, but if you want a guy with 60%+ of his shit together and possibly a rich future for yourself as a housewife, go to the summit? The future of the Internet is being created right here.

    But you probably wouldn’t like what you’d find, you’d probably rather find some babe at thieves and make out and then feel bad about yourself.

    1. When I say “60%” of their shit together I mean 25% meaning a job (any job..really..I don’t judge) another 25% meaning some sort of aspiration that they are working towards and another 10% for being a respectable human being with no drug problem.

    2. Creative people in San Jose or Palo Alto? That seems waaay less likely than within SF. Intelligent/Creative people tend to be drawn to cities with culture. And San Jose/Palo Alto are pretty much cultural wastelands.

      1. Agreed. The drones that would be unattractive to the average Mission gal are dug into the San Jose ‘burbs. But there’s a whole world of cute, super smart guys who reverse commute from SF to their tech jobs in Silicon Valley.

        A lot of musicians/guys in bands are techie nerds by day, because music and math abilities go hand in hand. So kusfwtf’s trolling by dissing “tech and design jobs” as “not interesting jobs”…yeah, now that I think about it, those nerdy/cool boys really *aren’t* your type. Best to stay away.

      2. how are you gonna hate on silicon valley over the internet.

        we would still be licking stamps every time we had a complaint if not them.

    3. LOL @thesummit
      That’s where the businerds hang out, not the nerds who are actually making things.
      check out noisebridge, makefaire, or your local “not douchebag” friend group to meet intelligent people.
      If you’re not meeting the people you like through your friends, then you’ve got some shitty ass friends.

  6. For those of us in the 30-40 age bracket, I have to propose a contest for what’s worse: The 20-something dudes who are just “hanging out” or the 30-something dudes who are employed but have the relationship skills of a 22-year-old.

    If I had a dollar for every guy I’ve dated who couldn’t maintain even the most low-key relationship (I’m not looking to have kids or get married again, just want someone fun to hang out with on the weekends), I’d have like 20 bucks.

    That said, there *are* plenty of nice guys out there (including the one I’m currently dating, yay), you just have to look a little harder for them in SF, for some reason.

  7. ugh. this shit again.

    maybe im too shy or maybe im optimistic.
    but there are good dudes out there.
    i am one of them.
    all of my friends are good single guys.(all educated, all employed, all mission regulars, all well read)
    in fact i know more single guys (super single as in, not even seeing anyone at all) than men in relationships.
    I cant put my finger on it, but i think San Franciscans have totally outthought our way out of fucking each other.
    There are too many people in the world to be single and yet, everybody is complaining about being single.

    I’m starting to hear from a lot of women in this city that men just are not approaching women anymore. At the same time I hear from a lot of men that women just arent being receptive to approaches.

    Long story, go out and talk to people. Make it happen. If you want to settle down, then settle down. Feels like there are more couples (across all types) in SF over singles.

    1. Amen, brother!

      I met and married my wonderful hubby in SF and now (3 years after we started dating) I’m pregnant with our first baby. We’re lucky because we are both in our mid 30’s and know what we want in a relationship and are willing to do the work to fix the kinks.
      You’re right, men need to approach and women need to be receptive. Women need to figure out what they are looking for in a guy, find out what their “dealbreakers” are (abusive, drug-dependent, etc) and then be flexible about the rest.

      Hope you’ll meet a great girl soon, Mr. No.Thanks!

    2. I met a girl at Philz recently. We hit it off really well. She told me to call her and we should get together that same week. I called. She got back to me 4 days later. Said she was swamped and maybe we would see each other around the neighborhood again sometime. I told her it would have been better if she told me to fuck off face to face instead of making me wait. She honestly didn’t understand what I was mad about. It could of been her round about way of getting rid of me, but then why call back at all? If you like someone don’t be a flake, ladies. We’re not going to wait around for you.

  8. I’ve noticed that the chicks who complain the loudest about the lack of guys are usually really young. Girls, if you’re meeting guys in their 20s, most of them are just gonna be in “hanging out” mode. You should be too.

    Of course, a lot of older guys in this city are in the perpetual party mode (in other words, trying to deny they’re getting older) that is easy to succumb to here. But that’s true of a lot of women, too.

    Just don’t push it, enjoy the fact that you’re living in San Francisco, and sooner or later something will happen. I speak from experience. :)

  9. Let’s be honest; nearly everyone aged 20-30 in this entire city is so emotionally immature it’s comical. Girls want the guys who “hang out,” guys who “hang out” just wanna get laid, and the guys who have their shit together lose out to the guys who “hang out” because we’re not as much of a thrill. And by “thrill” I mean we don’t prey on girls at Pops and insist on owning a fixie that’s higher than our own net value. SF, you’re so pathetic, but goddamnit if I still don’t love you.

    1. Hmm, how about if I have my shit together (educated, good job, own apt, etc) yet still insist on owning a fixed gear bike, hanging out, and preying on girls at pops?

      We exist dammit!

      1. We really do! (plus or minus the track bike thing)

        As a lot of people have said, the problem in your equation is the 21-25 year old thing.

        Who the hell has their shit together at 21?!? If you want shit together you’re going to most likely need to look at guys a little older, but if you like to have “Fun good looking times” (I assume that means getting wasted and doing drugs on a Tuesday), then you’re right in the wheel house.

        I have always found the best way to find somebody is not try. Honestly, just go out there and live your life. Trying too hard to find a relationship ALWAYS ends badly (typically through lowering your standards).

    2. you fail so hard @ “owning a fixie”

      way to be out of touch dude.
      no one but you calls them fixies and no one but you still rides them exclusively.
      new shit is actually riding bikes of all styles.

      1. Ha, this just reaffirms my previous statement: “SF, you’re so pathetic, but goddamnit if I still don’t love you.”

      2. Hey I only quoted the fellow above. I’ve seen numerous people on this site called out for using the term “fixie” but frankly I don’t give a shit. I just call it my bike.

        Why assume it is the only bike I own? I would say I ride it most often but I do have others.

        “New shit is actually riding bikes of all styles”

        New since when? I’d say you are out of touch.

        My biggest failure today is feeling the need to justify myself to you.

      3. Hell, I have a job and a bike (with several gears). I’ll take a date. There’s two of you and only one Elliot.

        I don’t get off until 6 though. I work some serious hours.

      4. more like, the term “fixie” is the go to derogatory term to say when you mean to say “people that I think are better than me, that I think do better than me and I can not seem to understand or explain why”

        saying the term fixie is old shit and hating on the riders of them/hipsters is old as fuckall.

  10. I’d say that if you’re a dude who “has his shit together” but can’t meet women here, then maybe you need to “grow a pair”.

  11. Honeyinyrbrain, sounds like you should hold a “Gainfully Employed + Has Your Shit 60%+ Together Dolores Park Speed Dating Session”.

  12. My age bracket has bee 18-65 and I live in Oakland now. And it seems to be bad all over the bay. Men are either lying or omitting some information, just hanging out, or cheating. I’m certainly discouraged.

  13. It’s not hard to get laid, you can even sleep with the same person for eight months (as I have) who has a gfriend on the side (lovely behavior on both our parts, I know!) The problem is FINDING SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU AND WHO YOU LOVE JUST AS MUCH and it seems like that’s what Honey is complaining about. When iw as Honey’s age I was working 16 hour days running a company and was engaged to a man 30 years older (yes, I’m totall effed up which is why I live in SF!) Honey: all you can do is keep trying to become a fully realized person and keep radiating unconditional love to all beings. Good luck!

  14. Holy crap! This post makes me love my (beautiful, educated, sweet, stylish, reasonable) girlfriend so much more than I did 5 minutes ago. Dating in this city (in this neighborhood) was a fucking nightmare. It’s like a kiddie pool: shallow and everyone’s pissing in it. I don’t ever want to go back. Ever. Shit, I think I need to start shopping for engagement rings.

  15. OK, some advice from your Aunt Katy: San Francisco is the Island of Misfit Toys. We all come here* because it’s the place we can be the freaks we always knew we were. Advice to my nieces: Do not, not, not lower your standards. But you will have to ovary up and meet the guy you’re interested in halfway. Open your mouth and start the conversation. Advice to my nephews: Also do not lower your standards. But know that being cool does not include being standoffish, or huddling back into that group of friends you surround yourself with always. Both of you: Being cool is about being awesome, not being a dick, or owning the right things, or acting “as if”. You don’t have to have a job, but you do have to have a life.

    And that’s the advice you get when someone stays at home from work and has Glenlivet for lunch.

    * Me? March 93 from NYC

    1. @Katy: I’m a full-gay male but I’d love to date you since that was about the best San Francisco advice ever. I’d add that newbie younguns should also be careful around the serious shoals of Meaningless Sex, Hard Drugs, and Religious Cults, but otherwise have a good time.

      1. @sfmike: That’s some wise advice you’re giving away yourself, pal (and not heteronormative, like I just realized mine was). It’s a date!

  16. On the one hand, as a single straight male who a) lives in the mission and b) has his shit at least 80% together including a nice career, this persistent meme has always slightly irritated me every time I hear it.

    On the other hand, I am often wont to carry an couple few lbs in the belly area so whatever, I totally get it.

    1. As a straight woman, I can definitely testify to the fact that I know plenty of shallow ladies (just like there are plenty of shallow men in this city). I think all the beautiful gym-fit gay boys give us a warped sense of perspective or something. Sorry.

      Ladies, someone who is smart, interesting and well-read will make you a lot happier than that skinny tattooed cutie who is trying to make a career out of drinking and smoking weed. Same goes for dudes, BTW, except replace that last stereotype with whatever boring but hot girls do. That doesn’t mean I think people need to lower their standards, it just means that maybe they need to think about what they’re using for standards.

      1. Where does that leave me? I’m smart, interesting and well-read, but not skinny and only one tattoo. I’m all for trying to make a career out of drinking and smoking weed. The only problem is I had to go to grad school and get an 8-6 job to support that endeavor. Best of both worlds?

  17. I moved here about a year ago and the Neverland effect others have talked about seems really apt. Getting in a relationship is a mature commitment. Commitments inevitably lead to habits, obligations, etc., all of which gets to the root of some of the least fun parts of adulthood.

    It’s a trade-off. I guess good relationships have enough variety to make both happen. But good relationships require work…

  18. most dudes who have their shit together at that age are off somewhere completing a university education, not swapping spit with the art school drop-out crowd in the Mission.

  19. To- Bob, Glenparker, Sjbrown, HN & dude.

    Please try to prove Honeyinyrbrain wrong by stating your eligible criteria:

    Age group: 18-20, 21-25, 26-30, etc.
    Relationship status: single, married, gay, divorced, etc.
    Education: ?
    Employment status: ?

    And not by leaving a snappy comment on what’s wrong with the women in this city or what they should do to accommodate the high percentage of scummy men in this city.

  20. Lots of bullshit here, lots of truth.

    Girls: Ditch the goddamn mom jeans and gladiator sandals, learn to smile and be nice…even when you don’t want to.

    Dudes: Get your shit together. Shave off the stupid mustache, take a shower, read something that isn’t Bukowski.

    Both: Get a real job (i.e. not retail, not admin, not bar tending) or got back to school (not art school). You’ll be shocked at the types of people you will meet when you change the people that you associate with through work or school. Don’t want to be that ambitious? Volunteer…hell, do anything besides sitting in the park all day and talking about how everything/one sucks.

    Seriously, stop being such babies. There are good people here, but they don’t associate with losers. Having a hard time meeting good people? Look at yourself for a possible explanation as to why.

    1. Amen!…(get ready for the sarcastic or ironic comeback from the usual idiots, or better yet the “having a job is shitty” and you’re trapped by the man response)

    2. “Girls: Ditch the goddamn mom jeans and gladiator sandals”

      THANK YOU! that shit looks horrible. But girls don’t really dress up for guys anyways, they’re only trying to impress other girls.

      1. Nobody wear’s gladiator sandals. Who the fuck wears gladiator sandals? Nothing is wrong with a high waist…that is your natural waist. When it’s tacky high waisted shit that looks poorly made and is almost up to your damn tits then that is something to question but something that compliments the size of your waist is a plus and much more pleasing than the low waisted bullshit giving everyone muffin tops and pube sightings.

    3. “Girls . . . learn to smile and be nice . . . even when you don’t want to.”

      That’s a recipe for disaster. When I first moved to SF from the Midwest, I would smile at people, say hello, make eye contact and look genial and approachable (because that’s how I was raised). I got followed down the street. Junkies and weirdos would latch onto me and INSIST on talking to me. It scared the hell out of me.

      I had to LEARN and teach myself how to look unapproachable, to stop smiling at strangers and to stop making eye contact, just so I could feel safe walking down the street.

      I know men feel that women in SF look unapproachable, and that’s because we have to for our own safety, not because we don’t want to date.

      1. Well, that is a problem… First you have to be able to tell the difference between a junkie weirdo and a nice guy…

  21. I’d actually agree. It is way easier for me to meet cute girls that want to date me than it should be. I blame the law degree/tattoos combo.

    1. I second that. Looking like a counter-culture scumbag, when in reality one has a successful career, ambition and genuine intelligence, is a deadly combo in this town. I have no problem meeting girls who are initially just looking for a fling — but these girls will soon “accidentally” leave things behind in the apartment when they realize that I’m not the piece-of-shit asshole that I play on TV.

      It’s unfortunate that I had to abandon the outward expression of my genuine inner geek, and instead adopt a “I’m a struggling musician” exterior to make in-roads with the opposite sex. But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

  22. I have been in a long-term relationship with someone who is fun, social, educated and with a job wasn’t and it wasn’t hard to do. I think most women lower their expectations and unfortunately open their legs a little too fast before asking a few simple questions: are you employed? allergic to cats? are you a raciest and/or bigot? do you like your mom? and have you ever stolen rent from your roommates? oh yeah do you have any weird lumps or painful discharge that I should know about? If you get answers you like keep them around, if not move on…if you look like a freeloader magnet maybe you should rethink your methods of attraction…meeting in bars is okay, maybe just don’t take home the wasted douche who tried to touch your boobs on the dance floor…it never works out….

  23. Ladies, if you really do have your sh*t together, are good looking, and have no mommy/daddy/co-dependcy/trust issues & you’re still single…..well then…its you

  24. Absurd post.

    Ladies, get some balls and learn to approach men. It’s not that difficult.

    I’m very good-looking, gainfully employed (six figures), mid 20’s, athletic/fit, well educated and well read, good personality, etc etc etc…

    (don’t believe me? I don’t care, it’s the truth)

    In the 5 years I’ve been living in the Mission, I’ve been approached by women less than a half dozen times. And I’m a regular the local bars, restaurants, and coffeeshops.

    This isn’t Kansas circa 1947. Women can approach men. It’s ok. Really.

    1. Uhm fuck you guy. My last boyfriend I am p sure I approached myself…and many hook ups before that. Howsabout you dudes grow a pair and approach me for once. I have bitch face on half the time but I swear I am not bitchy.

      1. Most times when people describe themselves as “very good-looking”, you can just ignore everything that comes after because it will probably not be true either.

      2. Heh, when I was 25 I would approach cute girls with the sour face and make a smartass comment – about equal chance of drawing a laugh as a slap in the face. In NYC that’s how it’s done. But here in SF people really don’t take chances, true…

      3. ” I have bitch face on half the time but I swear I am not bitchy.”

        end of the post. go home and learn to smile. this is the seed. why would i or any other man want to approach someone that looks as if they do not want to be approached? does this make any sense at all?

      4. Protip: Dudes don’t avoid the bitch face because they are scared of you. The bitch face is a flashing neon sign warning us that you don’t want to be approached. So we oblige. Or it announces you just don’t happen to be a pleasant person, dig? It’s great that you can spell it out on the internet that you aren’t actually bitchy and do want to be approached, but how are we to know?

        Ladies (not necessarily the author): if you want more dudes chatting you up, smile, take off your sunglasses indoors, act like you aren’t miserable, remove your earbuds, and don’t pretend-flirt with your Adonis gay pal in public–you’d be amazed at how all the “boys” suddenly grow a pair.

        –from a very single dude with a job, masters, packing off to an ivy league law school in fall, not a douche, not ugly, not a stoner, no petey pan issues, stylish, age 21-25, in the mission ….yes, i’m probably as bitter as you. But maybe we’re both doing it wrong?

      5. Uh…. no. Never said I was hating life — I have an interesting in-house position I really like — but I graduated many years ago when the legal market was good. Anyone going into law school now will probably face a very difficult time coming out of school. As a member of the profession, I just feel it’s my obligation to warn would-be lawyers. :)

      6. Arrogant dickhead reply that I wouldn’t give in any other context: while I don’t expect the job market to be cake, I’m going to one of three schools where graduates don’t have problems finding work. I won the lottery (the kind that puts you in debt). I don’t talk about this crap in real life unless specifically asked, so maybe women assume that going to law school = auto-failure. I have my shit together, dammit….but name-dropping makes me sound scummy. :(

      7. “The bitch face is a flashing neon sign warning us that you don’t want to be approached.”

        Wrong. Bitch face is a way of screening out guys who don’t have the cajones to approach a chick sporting the bitch face. It is a screen not a a barrier.

      8. Women who complain about men not approaching them shouldn’t set up screens. Hence my list of other screens for women to take down before they claim there aren’t any eligible men.

        Also, I’d rather not waste my time flirting with a woman who leverages power from putting on a show of misery in public. For me, it’s not badass. It’s hella cheesy. The women I’ve been with who started out with the bitch face ended up taking the act home with them, and it sucked. Now I avoid.

        There are many dudes that fit the author’s criteria that would agree with me, but she would never meet them if she insists on a screen as an additional filter for all the “scumbags” etc.

      9. Well then she can resign herself to a future of only being approached by laughably over-confident, and highly insecure, “I’m a DJ” types.

        Any man worth his salt isn’t going to put up with bitch face — it just screams baseless self-importance, which translates into a lot of time and money wasted, and a dim future of one-sided conversations peppered with incessant verbal preening. Anyone with their “shit together” knows this isn’t good ROI.

        I’ll take the woman who looks like she’s genuinely enjoying herself and the company she’s in. This is the one worthy of an approach — not the one visually hate-fucking everyone around her.

      10. yeah right…hey, look at that girl who looks bored, and like she hates everyone around her even more than being here…That’s the girl I want to approach.
        I have no problem approaching women, but girls with “the bitch face”…well that kind of speaks for itself.

      11. Best thread right here. If you look like a bitch, we see you as one. Who want to spend the time cracking the facade in the era of the iphone. People have too many texts to read anyway.

      12. I was born with bitch face bro. Can’t get rid of this shit unless I am smiling or laughing. Seriously when I am just chilling I look really bored…it’s just my face. No lie.

      13. You were dealt a shit hand, so unfortunately, it means you have to work a little harder than most. You can keep talking about how men should just see past it, but as I and a bunch of others have stated, the bitch face, whether artificial or congenital, is sharper than a porcupine quill to the uninitiated.

        It seems like you have been compensating for your bitch face by doing most of the approaching in the past. That’s probably the best strategy for a woman with permanent BFS. Online dating is another, as you can carefully pick and choose how much bitch face you want represented in your profile pics. I personally can’t do the online dating thing, but it has paid dividends for numerous friends of mine.

        The other thing I would recommend is to stop going out with such high expectations (you’re probably laughing thinking that your expectations couldn’t get any lower…but if that was the case, you wouldn’t be here right now). Meet tons of people without the pressure of trying to find someone to fall in love with or take home for the night. Just be content in ice breaking and being a social butterfly. Eventually, quality guys within your social circle will begin to step up to the plate. You may even be surprised at the “cajones” these once-assumed castrated gents have.

        If they still don’t step up, then you’re probably just fat, and the bitch face is the least of your problems.

      14. sorry dude for piling on. there are a lot of ladies who cultivate that look, so maybe the screed applies more to them, but apologies if it’s something you can’t turn it off.

        i’m stuck with a face that make me look like an overintense spazz. women find regular eye contact during conversation with me unnerving, and new friends think i’m trying to burn holes in their faces. like with a natural bitch face, all i can do is force a smile all the time.

  25. Ladies, let me tell you the truth. First, I’m 42 years old, got my shit together 10 years ago and I love going out and all that stuff. You ladies on the other hand never give this good guy a chance. Shoot me down in the bus. Shoot me down at the coffee shop. Shoot me down at the bookstore. I strike up a pretty good conversation too only see you reading your texts and then swooshing off too see somebody else. San Francisco single ladies are the worst to hook up with unless a friend of a friend helps you. Get over it! A lot of good men are out there and all you have to do is TALK TO US!! Thanks!

    1. I’ve been thinking about that for a while.

      seems like the heterosexual folks are hung the fuck up in this city

      1. I mean, seriously, all we gay men have to do is snap our fingers or grab our crotch, and in the time that heteros figure out that they want to look at a potential partner, we’re dick deep down the throat.

        The best part about growing older as a gay man is that 20% of those young hipsters have a thing for daddies. Perhaps that’s what’s hanging up the hetero hookups? That, and the inability of so many women to just fuck for fun, getting into the feelings of fucking and stroking instead of having to have their emotional feelings stroked before they fuck.

        Hint: fucking and love are not the same thing, there is always time for love, but fucking while young, you can never get that back.

      2. As a 23-year-old gay man who just moved to the Mission, I’m always torn between dating and wanting a relationship, versus just having fun. My problem’s with the whole “partnered, but playful / not dead!” thing. I respect people’s choice in relationships, but they should respect me enough to tell me about their boyfriend of eight years before we go on a date… Or maybe I’m bitter.

        Also, are these daddies accepting applications? Can I put in a resume?

  26. i find this city to be full of people who come here to expand their hearts and minds and to fall in love. everywhere you go, you’ll meet reflections of yourself. it’s not the city, sister.

  27. expectation is a funny thing. nobody, no matter how “together” one is, DESERVES to not be lonely. I learned this a painful way after being a virgin almost right up to my 30s, then I kinda found a stride and I’m still not 30 yet. life is just more fun when encounters are not imbued with meaning, and one gets more done. magical things happen when loneliness isn’t feared and success isn’t expected.
    and I can’t speak for anyone else, but in my instance, I actually got what I always strove for, except now I’ve moved onto other hopes and demons, so they don’t much matter.
    I had an old friends who always advised me to give the love away if at the moment there’s no lady to take it. “there’s such a thing as too much love” he said, then asked me, what would’ve happened Jesus, Ghandi, or MLK gave all his love to just one lady? “He’d burn her to a crisp!”

      1. my 14-year old goddaughter says that quite frequently. is it an exclusively pre-packaged sarcastic phrase now?

  28. Can I just say how much I am enjoying this comments thread? If single people in SF were this amusing in person, maybe we’d all be coupled up.

  29. i often try to tell my single lady friends, if he’s taller than you, employed and has always been straight, marry him!

  30. So, I think the reasonable solution would be to not even consider dating someone that doesn’t have it together? Having their life together is completely subjective. I’m sure every dude in SF would date a girl that works at a restaurant, but what kind of career path is that? I think there are two sides to this coin. Also, can you explain why one of the guys that does have it together, dresses well, and is attractive isn’t interested in you? Maybe, in their eyes, you don’t have it together. Also you could always move to a non-Peter Pan city. There are many solutions to this problem, and perpetuating this complaint isn’t one of them.

    PS – Your attraction to artists, musicians, and alternative lifestyle bros doesn’t help you. Look for dudes that are outside of the urban outfitters catalog and stop trolling okcupid for “cool picture” dudes.

    1. i’m a guy and the sentiment expressed in this thread can easily go the other way. i disagree that “every dude in SF” would date any hot girl regardless of occupation.

      there are plenty of hot girls out there with real jobs and real interests. guys owe it to themselves to not settle just as much as girls do.

      i disagree with anyone whose advice is “lower your standards.” that kind of thinking doesn’t help anyone

      1. Ah, I see your point. I didn’t mean “lower your standards;” I meant to re-evaluate your desires based on your current conditions. I specifically stated, “I think there are two sides to this coin,” to hopefully point out that this isn’t a one sided thing. Generally, people externalize their failures, and I believe that failure to attract and keep a “acceptable” mate is heavily blamed on outside circumstances. Never lower your standards, just be prepared to re-evaluate them based on reality.

  31. Can I just make a public announcement to all the posts in here? Will you please stop over analyzing my “have your shit together” definition and realize when I mean “shit together” I just mean you dont spend everyday tagging muni and day drinking and actually are making an effort to do SOMETHING ANYTHING IDC. I am not asking for a fucking Phd here you guys I am just asking for a dude with a life he can actually make conversation about and a dude who actually respects himself. Amen.

  32. You guys, when she says stylish she doesn’t mean Comme Des Garçon skirt collection complete w a closet full of Rick Owens sheer tanks, ok. She just means “not Polish” which means no socks & sandals, no cargo shorts, etc. Basic shit. U dig me?

    1. well, I think she wants a dude that’s into girls. At least, that is the way I read it. I don’t think the Rick Owens crowd fits that mold.

  33. WHAT I DO NOT MEAN: A rocket scientist who shops at Barney’s and reads the dictionary every night after donating a million dollars to African children

    WHAT I DO MEAN: A funny guy with non ill fitting denim who likes to eat Indian food sometimes, has a reason to get up every morning, and can pay for his own BART ticket

    1. Do you like dirty old mean that drink after they get off work and have actually eaten Indian food in India? PS I can’t wear skinny jeans because I have a penis and large testicles.

    2. Snore. You’re a whiny bitch who will never be happy. You start with a big rant about no one being able to satisfy you, then you slowly try to make it seem as if you don’t want anything unreasonable after you pick up flack for it.

      Her, I’ve got a fucking idea for you: I looked at your brainless, zero substance blog and I saw your picture. You’re a fucking hipster. You look like one and you talk like one. If you don’t want to be part of that scene then stop trying so hard to be part of it. Wash your hair and go down to Palo Alto in something Barbie would wear to a social function and bag a Stanford man, ok?

      There are 350,000 men in this city. Don’t fucking whine that you can’t find one. You know what the commonality is between all these shitty men you go out with? You.

      1. Hey guys, not to get all kumbaya on you, but we’re all in this city together. Let’s not derail this amusing discussion on dating with personal attacks directed at the person who happened to spark it.

      2. Really? You can’t criticize someone for making personal attacks at 40% of a city’s population?

      3. You can do whatever you want. I’m just suggesting that when someone makes a general criticism about a large group of people and other people answer that with petty attacks on that person as an individual, they’re not exactly going to win the blue ribbon for respecting others. I’m not the comment police or anything, just trying to encourage civility.

      4. What kind of civil commentary is there supposed to be. She’s basically trolling. Trolling doesn’t foster healthy debate, it fosters replies that contain the word “cunt”. Now I would never use that word and I didn’t. If you have a problem with that other post then reply to that other post.

  34. I work in a bar in the city and every time, I read something like this, I just want to laugh in the person’s face. Girls and guys in this city, both, whine about BS like this. Problem is, when you have a good person interested in you, you treat him/her like crap or you go sleep the random bad boy or the whore that you meet a bar one night just because they are “fun”. Give me a break. Most of the people in this city are no prize; even the one’s with a job.

  35. What’s this bitch-faced talk all about? I don’t know, folks; the ladies I see in the Mission are looking mighty fine these days. Keep on doing what you’re doing, ladies. I, for one, am grateful that you’re workin it.

    1. I was gonna ask this girl out, but the internet at my parents house died before I could get to the comment box. I had to wait for my dad to get home and fix it. Well, he just gave me enough to get to the bart, and I realized that I had a hole in my best cargo pants. Like, Ugh, or whatever. Anyway, I gotta go stand in line at unemployment after I get off the libraries computer. Does anyone know how to get a medical marijuana card?

  36. Don’t base your search on:

    – wearning flannel
    – has a beard
    – knows/listens to bands even you haven’t heard of.

    problem solved

    1. Well, maybe you are luckier at that than I have been. Take it from a fellow ship-jumper, there are plenty of terrible ladies in SF as well — asshole-ism doesn’t have gender boundaries.

  37. what do chicks want?

    bad boys who are unemployed and will never grow up or nice guys with jobs and have their “shit” together?

    guys do whatever it takes to get laid. if chicks keep going after the ‘bad boy’ type, we’re going to continue to be losers

      1. Honestly, woobie, what did you expect? What did you want out of this post? Did you think all the slackers you’re attracted to would suddenly see the error of their ways and get jobs and hold the door open for you? You came in trolling with angry words and you’re getting angry words back.

      2. Thanks Jenkings. And Honey, I’m not a bro. I’ve never worn a white baseball cap. I’ve never lived in the Marina. But I’ve lived all over SF. I’ve got 12 years of street cred in the 415. I’ve been here since before your first period. I’ll be here when you leave SF to try to make it in LA or NY. I’m a made guy in this here town, so don’t come to me with your whiny attitude. Grow the fuck up, stop hitting on losers that don’t shower, and get a job and meet some people with direction in their lives. Out.

  38. I’m a millionaire 26 year old who was a pro skater and model when younger, but moved on to starting up a successful online business at 17 and invested everything into stocks. But whatever. I have a 4000 sq ft loft film studio in the mission with yoga swings and subtle tantric artwork from tibet on the walls in the dark red hue pallete. I have a permaculture garden on the roof with organic food and completely solar powered everything and water catchment that I designed all myself. I meet girls simply walking around valencia/haight and passively inviting over for tea at my place to whoever fits my fancy that day. Sometimes I look for girls who look like they just need a massage and conversation. Others I definitely go for the raw physical appeal, because I am a straight man after all, and to have success you must have virtues. I don’t seem to have ANY problems hooking up.

  39. Jesus. I still can’t find an attractive woman in this city worth dating. They all dress like sh*t that’s why half of the men are gay.

  40. it’s true, guys should be more assertive here in the city. i’ve heard it from other girls as well. i need to work on it myself. but you ladies need to stop trying to check off all your little wants from a guy on your list. no one is going to be able to fit perfectly in your little hole you’ve constructed. you can certainly try to find that person but you might be 45 when you do. yea he’s nice, but he doesn’t have a beard. yea he’s in a band, but he doesn’t save the world from hunger or work at a really cool non-profit or whatever. Are you really going to be that superficial? relationships are about gives and takes. someone might not be able to fulfill every need but you know what, he does have all these other qualities that are really cool. Certainly, you should go after what you want. Why shouldn’t you? Just remember that there’s a lot of top-notch dudes in this city that you might be completely ignoring and not even know they exist. My last two relationships have ended because I was ‘the nicest, most sweetest guy I’ve ever been with’. My bad, I guess…

    You can smile every now and then too when a guy looks at you, it doesn’t hurt. Some girls just look right through you. Some of us guys need the obvious hints. Hey, I love the aggressive girls, come on up and say hi. Don’t be shy. If you want to talk to someone just do it. Yea yea practice what I preach…

  41. Let the women approach, then you at least know that they are interested.Since fewer and fewer men are approaching these days ( because they are fed up with this game) , it may be working and ,em ,iht even have some value some day.

  42. The amazing thing is that San Franciscans can and will write classist garbage like this, en masse, and then speak of how “enlightened” and “progressive” a place San Francisco is, without being drowned out in gales of laughter.

    When all I knew about this article was its title, I was prepared to be sympathetic to the poor ladies who had to deal with the awful, awful scum, because I have run into men from that city who I’d hate to see come anywhere near any of my female friends or relatives, the sort of men I’d expect to see caught in possession of the date rape drug. But that’s not what the author was talking about, is it?

    No, the “scum” are those who’ve been discarded by an economy that, as Paul Krugman once put it, is doing fine until one takes a look at the people living in it. No matter how ethical a life a poor person might live, no matter how respectful he might be of those who let him respect them, a poor person is “scum” in the eyes of his supposedly progressive “betters” in San Francisco, and on this site. Woo, hoo, let’s hear it for victim blaming! Did one complete the coursework for one’s PhD during one of those eras when offering entry level jobs was out of fashion, and find oneself being handed a one way ticket into the underclass, because nobody wants to hire the long term unemployed and nobody cares about how they ended up that way? Then one must be scum. Did one get downsized, and then find that nobody was willing to hire one because one is deemed “overqualified”? Then one is scum. Did somebody start mauling the last three women he dated the moment he found himself alone with them? As long as he’s driving a lamborghini, he’s an OK guy and a fine human being! As long as he lives within 10 miles of Market Street.

    You people aren’t progressive. You’re narcissistic materialists who are reactionary to a degree that even a Klansman would find shocking, you’re just reactionary in a weird, initially unfamiliar sort of way. Even in the supposedly unenlightened 19th century, there was the concept of “there but for the grace of G-d go I” and Medieval Europe was able to find a place for its serfs, but look at you clowns. Let somebody slip between the cracks in society, and there you’ll be, not wanting to help him back up, but raining abuse down on him, as if misfortune were a moral failing, and as if abuse properly brought shame upon the abused and not their abusers.

    I will not spend a lot of time commenting on the gold digging being encouraged on this page. If a woman is so eager to sell herself to the highest bidder that she goes on doing so, even after she is well able to provide for her own needs, then I don’t think I’d ever want her, because I don’t believe that she’d ever be capable of feeling anything genuine. She wouldn’t just be a prostitute in all but name, she’d be a prostitute by choice; only a fool could have any faith in her show of affection.

    Abusing the poor, just for being poor, is another matter. I would offer some of you a note of caution. No group of people stays oppressed forever. Sooner or later, the poor will run out of patience in this country, and when they do, you’re going to find that no matter how well this fact might have been concealed by the statistical book cooking of the Bureau of Labor Statistics, there are a lot of us in America, and most of us aren’t relatively mild mannered applied mathematicians. If the poor keep on being pushed until the riots come, there won’t be cops enough to keep the wealthier neighborhoods from burning, and the gates to be found to some of those communities can only take so much pounding before they break.

    “Pride goeth before a fall” is a cliche for a reason.

      1. The relevance? The relevance is that this is a two-year old article, and you posted a gigantic response to a dead thread, which is unusual.

      2. And now you respond five months later? Wow. You’re like the Rip Van Winkle of the intertubes.

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